@patrickhogan91: 22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders
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@: Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that's the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.
@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
@DanDoofus: Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.
@weinerdog4life: Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that's why I'm putting this salad in my pockets, you don't know me.