I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers