22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
technically true but not a great slogan
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?