My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.