23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
You better watch out
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I triple waxed for this?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.