23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs