23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”