[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
(Gaming support cat.)
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.