23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’m Sold!