24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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