@lovemydogduck: 24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your wallet and that ring you're wearing." Me: "You can have my wallet but I'm going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat."
@ceejoyner: 2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."
@Be___Dope: :office birthday party: CW: Would you like to sign the card? Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand. CW: His name is Joe.