24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
fr
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this