Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
based al yankovic
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing