@brianbowman73: 25 more pounds to lose and I'll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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@KKBowls: [at my house after 1st date] me: so, do you wanna have some sex? her: well, I don't normally do this...but I think I'll pass
@FullGrownChris: "Where are you all going?" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. "You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band
@avaricious1: I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.