25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
From my Mom
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.