Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall