280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
R.I.P.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?