[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.