2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
pictures of spider-man
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???