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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”