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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Saving my good tweets for marriage