[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.