3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You Might Also Like
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong