@slimmy_shady: 3 am phone call, "Hey, are you asleep?" Nope, Im skydiving.
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@KeetPotato: [reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: "updog.. what's updog?" [another bottle hits my foot]
@InternetHippo: I’m trying this Paleo lifestyle where I live in constant fear and die at the age of 28
@Book_Krazy: * Kindergarten* Hi kids! I'm the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard] [Boy Raises hand] We can't read. No one can read
@Book_Krazy: How can we make people tell the truth? "Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That'll scare the shit out of em"