3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?