[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything