3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.