[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand