3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
An odd boast
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Some of y’all tomorrow …
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Fidel Castro was alive?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Always 🥴