3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.