3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
He’s cranky this morning
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”