3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*