3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.