3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
You Might Also Like
So that’s what we looked like?
I hope it’s French Onion!
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Tell me you get it…🤣
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.