[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Cheer up.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.