So the ex texted me
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FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out