The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.