[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Animal poetry
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.