[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
The police never think its as funny as you do.