[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
She: I like Cats
He:
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.