Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I falcon love using swear birds
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.