[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
You Might Also Like
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Always
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.