Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You Might Also Like
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
⛄️
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?