I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?