3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.