3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
wtf management?!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one