If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.