3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper