3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Planet of the Apps.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?