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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.