3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
You Might Also Like
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men