My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You Might Also Like
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Ah yes. The three genders
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.