A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Breaking news:
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys