Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks