3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot